We experience losses from the moment we are born when an umbilical cord is cut from us. If it is done by a professionally trained doula who understands what the mother and child are going through, it makes it so much easier for both to go through the experience. But it is rarely the case. As we grow up, the level of severity of losses is only getting stronger. And unless we have support around us, at times, it gets very challenging to get through.

Schools have introduced counsellors to help children grieve over the most recent loss of mom and dad, who have had just divorced. When we get older, and our parents are in their late years, it immensely hurts us to see them getting older and pass away. And then there is devastating pain when you lose someone unexpectedly.

Those losses create deep voids in our hearts, as often we have lots of memories together. But the biggest pain is that constant feeling that is deep inside that comes out every time you see the shirt that your husband, who has committed suicide, was wearing the night before when you had a big fight. Or when you walk into a local restaurant, where you had a meal together with your friend, after which she had a fatal car crash. Grief is a heavy burden on your heart that is so hard to bear and is about knowing that you cannot change “it” and cannot go back in time but in your dreams.

Those wounds create deep rifts in our hearts. Some people end up on anti-depressants to numb the pain; others try to shut down their feelings by succumbing to alcohol or marijuana to just run from the pain. But the wound is still there. And from time to time, this wound resurfaces, flares up and does not really allow you to pick up the same speed and to enjoy life the same way as before.

Stages of grief

Grief is a healing process unique to each person. Some people may cry all the time, while others will not shed a tear for a while. But you should not feel guilty for feeling or not feeling, as well as for needing time or for someone becoming uncomfortable around you.

Grief is a transformation process that takes a broken, wounded soul that no longer wants to get up in the morning and cannot find the reason for living onto a journey of the deepest self-discovery and life inventory.

Most people experiencing loss go through the following grief stages:

1. Denial – you attempt to pretend that the loss does not exist, do not believe that it is happening TO or WITH YOU. You are trying to absorb and understand what is happening.

Associated feelings: numbness, shock, disbelief, strength, toughness, overachieving, trying to stay constantly active.

2. Anger – this feeling tends to be the first one that a person starts releasing after loss, as it does not require him/her to become vulnerable and to admit fears.

Feelings: agitation, betrayal, impatience, feeling angry with God, blaming others, desire to get forgiveness/ reconcile, being aggressive, getting into more arguments.

3. Bargaining – promises to turn around or change one’s life if the person who is gone is given a chance to continue living. It is a realization that you cannot change things, and many people direct their attention to the higher power.

Feelings: At this stage, it is common to experience guilt and to resort to an irrational belief that if the situation played differently, you would not be in such a painful place, that you could have warned him/her, listened to your intuition, haven’t said this and that triggering him/her, could have picked a different route etc. You also may be seeking approval and reassurance from others, wanting more attention or affection. You also may be believing that you are responsible for loss or questioning religious beliefs.

4. Depression – you are facing reality, panic begins subsiding, the emotional fog starts clearing, and the loss feels more present and unavoidable. This stage may be very isolating, as a person tends to turn inward.

Feelings: apathy, fear, helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, despair, emptiness, self-destructive thoughts, questioning a reason to go on living, feeling like you don’t belong, pulling away from other’s attempts to touch and comfort you, crying a lot, not caring about things, loneliness, dropping out of social activities, relief (feel free from stress or burden).

Physical and Mental Health Issues

In addition to feelings, there are various mental and physical symptoms, such as difficulty concentrating and making decisions, insomnia or sleeping too much, nightmares, changes in appetite, and being easily shaken by certain sites and sounds.

5. Acceptance – a person does not resist the reality of the situation, nor pretends it did not happen, nor tries to make it something different.

Feelings: It may be difficult in the initial stages of grief to even think that one might accept a situation that has happened or even find anything positive about it. Acceptance does not mean that sadness or regret are completely gone, but that there is a sense of acceptance of the reality, inner peace, gratitude and connectedness to the person who died, to a higher power, to other people and oneself, and a renewed sense of having a purpose in life.

The acceptance stage may happen or not happen, can take months, years or decades. There is no timeline or rules of when it happens. However, acceptance is the only healthy resolution of grief. Only through regaining inner peace and a sense of purpose, the person will be able to save the integrity of his/her nervous system, start enjoying life again and live it to the fullest.  Love, joy, faith and hope need to be reignited in your heart to see the light and be the light again.

Living alongside of a new reality: Honouring Life, After

We haven’t seen one person going through grief without excruciating pain. But we’ve seen that those who were able to integrate the pain and made it part of their journey started experiencing the sense of openness, gratitude and even deeper connection, love and peace. Those positive emotions soothed their pain and helped them reconnect with those they’ve lost and with those beside even on a deeper level than before.

“Your body is away from me,

but there is a window open

from my heart to yours.

From this window, like the moon

I keep sending news secretly.”

Rumi (title unknown)

“You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”

John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

This is Love, writing Home

“I am a daughter, seeking her beloved.

I am a sister, grieving her brother.

I am the wolf, howling at the moon.

I am a soul, communing with its truth.

Wherever I came from

and wherever I am going —

that is Home.”

“There’s no end to my grief journey because there’s no end to my love for you.”

J.S. Golubich

Grief Affects More than Emotions

Grief changes one’s life and reality. Life after losing a loved one isn’t the same. It may affect you not just emotionally but on a practical level, too. Where are you going to live? How are you going to pay the bills? What are you going to do with the estate, moving, packing and giving away life-long belongings? How are you going to manage business and life on your own? How to get back to work, to be able to meet deadlines and stay focused and productive while responding to condolences and looks of pity on you? It is the most inconvenient time to think about all those things, but it is the time where you have to deal with them, including memories and those areas where you relied on another person.

Some people also may be dealing with relatives that are upset and blame them for what happened. There may be social pressure to move on even minutes or hours after the death. Some family members may not understand your grieving process or want you to be over it soon so that they could have more of your love, attention, have you back happy and live a ‘normal’ life again. This may put you in a state of guilt and regrets. You may feel very lonely on this journey. Do not hold it against those people, as they usually do not want to hurt you and are dealing with their pain, too. But you need to trust that you’ll come out on the other side, like a butterfly from a cocoon.  Believe in tomorrow and look for enjoyment in small things around you.

Grief and Sex Life

For a person who just lost a partner, there is another reality, where sexual needs and pressure start building up. Frequently, one will either feel guilty about it, or will impulsively start searching how to satisfy those needs instantly. Though most psychologists suggest you wait with sex and new relationships as long as possible, how fast you start looking for a partner, be it short-term or long-term relationship, is a personal choice. But you need to be aware that every aspect of your life may be affected by grief, including sex life.

You need to be prepared that your wound may show up at any moment: you may feel emptiness, disconnection, break out into tears, or go through a variety of reactions.

If you do decide to have sex during acute grief state, you need to be mindful of being present with the person emotionally. You may have hard time trying to avoid constantly going back to the times with your partner who passed away, or tend to tune-out from the present moment, which may negatively affect both your sex partner and your experience.

You also need to be very clear and open about your needs and intentions, to avoid further trauma, as some people may be looking for long-term relationship, and others not.

Sex and Energetics

Whenever we are attracted to another person, it happens based on one of 2 principles: attraction by core values or attraction by trauma. When people feel whole and healthy emotionally, they are attracted by the 1st principle, if broken and unwell – by the 2nd one. This is why often those who are grieving over a loss of a spouse may get attracted to other widowers. It is important to distinguish between the true attraction to the individual and attraction by pain.

Another important aspect: when we are intimate with another person, especially during sex, we connect with each other on energetic level, where our auras penetrate each other, and we exchange our energies, positive and negative. Sometimes, you may find yourself after sex starting exhibiting behaviors and experiencing feelings not natural to you. The reason is because it may not necessarily be your emotions and feelings, but those of another person. If you are full of pain and connect with someone alike, you may feel even deeper pain afterwards. While there are ways to cleanse your aura and energetic bodies from negativity brought by other people, you need to be aware of these interactions.

Why not just move on with life? Why do you need to take time to heal?

“We think we want to avoid the grief, but really it is the pain of the loss we want to avoid.

Grief is the healing process that ultimately brings us comfort in our pain.

That pain and our love are forever connected.

To avoid the pain of loss would be to avoid the love and the life we shared.

To deny that loss is to deny the love.”

Unresolved, or incomplete grief does not let you experience love, faith and hope. Those energies are 3 most essential energies for your soul’s health and its very existence.

We are not just our bodies, we are timeless souls. Negative emotions lay heavy on our chest, they make our hearts (=souls) heavy. That pain may destroy lives and peace as much as the loss of a loved one, and accumulatively, it may do more harm. By understanding the circle of life and that we are part of it ourselves helps us look at the past in a broader context and to realize that our life today is a precious gift that our loved ones would like us to enjoy.

Consequences of Incomplete Grief

Incomplete process of grieving may lead to some serious long-term consequences:

  1. Irritability and anger – these may push other people away.
  2. Continuing missing of the person, wither away – though it is normal to experience a deep sense of loss during the grieving process, at times a person cannot let go of the pain associated with it for years. This may keep you stuck in the past identity, preventing from creating new chapters of life.
  3. Fear of loss – the life may seem more fragile, the world unsafe and unstable place. As a result, the person may go through life with anxiety and not able to walk through life with fear and expectation of the worse to happen.
  4. Set coping behaviors – bad habits, overeating.
  5. Apathy, numbness, low grade depression – it may lead to lack of energy, drive and motivation.

The incomplete grief may affect a person’s present and future life, his/her ability to enjoy life, connect with others and be available to other people. It may make the person to embody grief, identify with it for a life time, which may affect those who care, who love, who are there with you and for you. This is how it was expressed in a poem by someone whose sister died in infancy: “I was born in a cloud of smoke. I hope to meet you one day, the one with whom I grew up, while being unnoticed and unacknowledged. You, dead, were loved more, than I was, being alive.”

It may be difficult to think about others and their well-being, when you are in immense pain. It may be scary to let yourself feel, and even more scary to open up to anyone. But you know that unless you find the way to become vulnerable, you will continue spiraling down into the darkness of trauma without escape. At this moment, it is important that you reach out for help, for support, not to pretend that you can handle it on your own, and to give yourself time to heal and find yourself again.

How Fresh Start Can Help You Heal?

Please listen to the story of Adriana, who lost her husband and came reaching out for help:

Adriana, BC, Canada

Your Emotional Wellness Retreat Will Be a Life-Changing Experience

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Disclaimer:

Though we have professional staff with advanced health expertise and most of our guests receive deep health results, the Fresh Start cannot guarantee health recovery from any specific disease or symptom, as the healing process is individual, gradual and depends on many factors. Please be realistic in expectations as there is no such thing as quick fixes when it comes to healing.